Spring has officially sprung, flowers are blooming, and animals are emerging from hibernation. They must have plenty to say after months of silence. In fact, let’s be honest, animals are probably full of opinions, especially since they can’t directly communicate with different species to understand their behaviors. Imagine waking up to your cat demanding breakfast with an irritated “Hurry up, human I’ve been starving for minutes!” instead of their usual meows. Or taking a tranquil stroll down the street when a squirrel pauses mid-tree-climb to ask you if you have any food to spare. If animals could talk, the world would certainly become a more fun, but perhaps an overwhelming place.
Pets would become utter divas. Cats and dogs already have some strong opinions, so if they could talk, any peace you had prior would be over. Your dog would constantly motivate or comfort you, telling you to keep trying while you fight to understand the math homework, then probably would nag you to take them on a walk. Moving on, your cat would become the ultimate prima donna, using lines like “Ugh, don’t touch me. Actually, scratch the back of my ear. But only for like a second.” Birds would spill all the secrets they hear in the form of a song before you even wake up like the gossips they are.
Now, picture a jungle where the lions are spilling the tea about their latest hunt. “Did you see how Kevin tripped over that rock while chasing the deer? Hilarious.” Meanwhile, the giraffes would probably be the poetic ones of the jungle, since they have the best view of the “golden and vast savanna.” Snakes would have a much harder time sneaking up on their prey.
Sea animals, with their vast intelligence, might give humans some insight on the undiscovered ocean. Or perhaps they would gatekeep the much desired information to get back at us for pollution, “Oh, look, another plastic bottle. How original. We’ll just put this one with the rest.”
We shouldn’t even begin to comprehend how much more annoying bugs would be if they could speak. Think about it. We don’t even see most of the bugs that sit in our bedrooms, let alone those that we encounter every time we set foot outside. Not to mention when you do, the annoying buzz never stops. You would never have a moment of silence again.
Deep in the forests, the nocturnal creatures would form their own late-night talk show. Owls, with their witty dialog, would host the program, inviting badgers and raccoons to share their tales. “Last night, I found a dumpster behind that restaurant—pure gourmet garbage!” a raccoon would say, gaining laughter from the audience. Even the bats would contribute with their broody commentary: “Honestly, do the humans even appreciate the art of silent flight?” Their nightly banter would cause them to become the Jimmy Fallon of the forest.
Farm animals would probably renovate their barn system. Fresher grass, longer naps, and other luxuries. Chickens would make rules about their eggs being taken: “We’ll give you an egg for extra corn during snack time.” Pigs would be the most unproblematic of the barnyard, questioning the philosophies of humans but keeping to the steady routine of eating and sleeping.
Speaking of farm animals, would we still eat meat if cows could ask us nicely not to? Would we still step on ants if they could yell, “Hey! I’m walkin’ here!” Could we, after all this time, finally understand the vendetta that dogs have against mailmen?
The first few days of talking animals would be all fun and games, but eventually the animals will probably want to have a say in our society and make their mark on the world. They would be welcome to share their concerns of human affairs with the government: “Everytime I try to make a nest, a tree just gets cut down!”
The elephants would love the idea of Earth day, as they are wise, strong, and tired of conflicts between different species that affect the environment. They’d rally the animal kingdom with a booming declaration: “Plants have lives, too!” Soon, dolphins would host parties with professional swimmers to see who can do the best underwater backflip. Birds would take interest in human family life, making themselves a part of it (because let’s be honest, pigeons were probably spying on us all along). Meanwhile, wolves would give their feedback on the military, enjoying themselves with the training equipment.
Before we know it, zoos will be history, because who wants to watch animals behind bars when you can have casual conversations with them? Cows would outlaw hamburgers, chickens would put an end to omelets, and mosquitoes? They’d discover that they can take on careers on the street performing in exchange for blood instead of money. Vampires would definitely be their favorite monster.
If animals could talk, the world would undoubtedly be a more fascinating (and chaotic) place, always bustling with a variety of ideas and opinions. But one thing is for certain: no one, animal nor human, would ever feel a dull or lonely moment.
